Obama and Clinton reach agreement

Democratic presidential hopefuls Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton reached an agreement Thursday in an effort to unify their party and make progress toward overcoming the Republican party's nominee.

Sources from within both campaigns have confirmed details of the deal which resulted from a last-minute attempt to "figure things out."

According to documents found within the personal briefcases of both Clinton and Obama, the two candidates will take turns enjoying the presidency and the vice presidency, swapping with each other every four years.

The plan calls for Clinton to take the top spot on the 2008 ticket with Obama on bottom. The 2012 ticket calls for the reverse. The concept for the 2016 ticket will be the same as this years and finally the 2020 ticket will parade Obama-Hillary once again.

Democratic National Party Chairperson Howard Dean said that, if the plans were true, "The dream team would never have to wake up. Arrrggghhhhh!!"

Both Clinton and Obama's campaigns declined to comment.

CNN decides that Obama and McCain should win Vermont

In some cases record voter turnout has played a serious role in the polls, though none of the votes matter to CNN.

The Cable News Network decided today to forego the usual tedious method of gathering statistics from precincts and instead make up winners.

The CNN newsroom has been in uproar as a faction of rebellious producers fought back, declaring that honesty needs to be upheld. Sources report that a compromise was agreed upon: The network must show viewers that the decided outcome came from none of the votes, resulting in the "zero percent reporting" data.

Vermont Governor Jim Douglas said he was pleased with the results that CNN decided.

"I feel like CNN did a good job choosing Barack and John to win tonight," he said. "The people of Vermont should applaud my friends in Atlanta for deciding the outcome so that we can be reminded that our votes don't really count."

McCain and Obama's campaigns sent thank-you notes to CNN Executive Producer Jessie Goodman according to sources who spoke on the condition of anonymity. The same sources also mentioned that a blonde lady pressured Goodman to give the victory to McCain a week before voting in the state concluded.

Americans sleep too much

Average Americans sleep more than 12 hours every day according to a survey of sleep habits released yesterday by the National Sleep Foundation.

More than 85 percent of those surveyed responded that they believe they sleep a normative amount of time while scientists say that an average of eight hours is all that's necessary.

Half of the respondents said they have trouble waking up in the morning after sleeping so long.

Nearly 66 million Americans face sleep-related problems in day-to-day activities including an overt feeling of alertness and energy. Twenty percent said they had a renewed interest in productivity according to the survey.

U.S. employers face a gain of approximately $20 billion every year due to workers who are well-rested, but lose an average of $21 billion due to work time lost to napping.

Ordinary U.S. citizens fall asleep around 8 p.m. and wake up around 8 a.m., said Dr. Rick Bruken, a Madagascan neurologist.

"We value our sleep more than most nations because every moment we spend dreaming equals time that we don't have to live our boring mundane lives," he said. "I wish I didn't wake up today."

Obama almost as big as Nader in new survey

Voters like Sen. Barack Obama nearly as much as they like Independent presidential hopeful Ralph Nader according to a new survey conducted by The Chattanooga Post.

The new poll brings months of media speculation to a halt after political columnists consistently predicted the nomination of Obama over Sen. Hillary Clinton.

Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul were also rated above Obama in likability in the new poll.

"There is something about Barack Obama that makes me hate him," said pollster Freddy Friedman. "He doesn't smile enough and he doesn't project a feeling of hope like a lot of the other candidates have."

Obama's campaign responded to the survey by posting a press release on the candidate's website that said simply, "We understand and accept that Americans do not like Obama as much as we would hope. He is still the best candidate because of his reform policy on standards of audacity."

By contrast, middle-aged men have begun attending Clinton rallies in droves and even swoon at her appearance as evidenced by YouTube videos posted by her fans.

Clinton beat all of the candidates in the likeability poll with 95 percent of those surveyed responding positively to the written statement: "I like to have dinner every night and I enjoy being with friends and Hillary Clinton is running for president."

Western states consider solving problems with new dams

Spokane, Washington – The booming population of water-lilies in Western states and growing fears regarding salmon health have governments studying construction of new beaver dams to solve problems.

"For every person in the Northwest there exist an average of three water-lilies," said Melissa Young, spokesman for the Spokane Zoo. "The government needs to foster a healthy beaver population to consume the water-lilies that threaten our way of life."

Salmon that Seattle seafood restaurants frequently serve have been selling for higher prices as of late due to a lack of hiding places from birds in the rivers, Jessica Macon, Specialist for the Worldwide Salmon Association, said.

"The dams being considered will provide an increase in salmon available to chew apart with our teeth," she said.

The number of beaver dams in the Northwest consistently declined throughout the 1990s before seeing a brief revival in 2002. Over the last two decades the number of water-lilies has tripled according to the Water-lily Lovers annual report.

Ironically, consideration of new beaver dams comes as the oldest ones in the state have caused environmental concerns - worries that may place a hold on construction.

Washington Governor Christine Gregoire has made the need for new beaver dams the focus of her campaign for reelection, somewhat controversially.

"I propose that the state spend $22 million to construct these new dams because they will not only provide shelter for homeless beavers, but will also encourage use of our unemployed sticks and logs," she said.

Apple Delays iPhone Developer Kit Until 2010

Cupertino, California – Sources familiar with Apple's iPhone and iPod touch software development kit (SDK) have noted that the tools, originally promised by CEO Steve Jobs to see a February release, will be delayed for two more years.

Last week Apple sent out invitations to the press for an SDK event on March 6 according to iLounge.com. Those with early access to the developer roadmap have commented that the beta version will be announced at the event, released just after the Christmas shopping season concludes, and the final version will be promised for summer 2009. However, foreseen delays will undoubtedly push back the release to the company's MacWorld expo in January 2010.

The final SDK, according to site AppleInsider.com, will not include support for third-party accessories, will not allow access to phone, camera, or Wi-Fi on the device, will not permit tapping or multi-touch abilities, and may not grant use of the color display.

The SDK will "broaden the platform more, to the point where the only limit will be people's imagination," said Apple COO Timothy Cook in a recent question and answer session at Goldman Sachs Investment Symposium.

Cook pointed out that applications developed for the iPod touch and iPhone will boost sales for the products tremendously, enabling Apple to meet its goal of shipping ten million one day.

Treasure hunters secretly gather Nazi gold, stall media

Deutschneudorf, Germany – Treasure hunters Christian Hanisch and Heinz-Peter Haustein told media Thursday that their quest for lost Nazi gold had come to an end after a disagreement.

According to sources familiar with Hanisch and Haustein, the two men stumbled upon the treasure February 27 and transported it out of the country while maintaining a faux drilling effort to dodge government intervention and media attention.

Thursday's abrupt announcement to discontinue recovery efforts served simply as a deceptive conclusion to the heist.

The valuables that the treasure hunters successfully made off with are estimated at a worth of millions of dollars. The legendary Amber Room, an interior composed of gold and amber that the Nazis looted from a St. Petersburg palace in 1941, was among the loot, sources confirmed.

"Haustein told me to get out of here immediately," a visibly frustrated Hanisch told the press as part of the staged disagreement. The two reportedly told German officials that the cave they thought held the treasure was unsafe and rigged with poisonous traps.

From the surface the excavation efforts in Germany's Ore Mountains appeared fruitless. The hunters originally said they wanted to return the treasure to Germany and Russia but it now appears as if those statements were made merely to avoid investigation.

Microsoft raises prices on Vista as demand surges

Seattle – Microsoft Corp. will dramatically raise the price of some versions of Windows Vista, the software company said Thursday.

Surging demand for the company's newest operating system has resulted in massive backordering as warehouses around the globe have seen all 23 versions depleted.

Microsoft said that the new prices will apply to the Ultimate Premium and Corporate Home versions of Vista, in addition to the versions that already ship on new PCs.

At the launch, Microsoft was criticized by some for "practically giving away" some versions of its newest offering to shoppers.

Lawrence Bird, a corporate secretary for Windows marketing at Microsoft, said that the company has experimented with higher prices since the launch and that "consumers keep buying."

"We could sell a box of Vista for more than the cost of some mid-range PCs [with Vista included] and people would still upgrade," he said.

Expecting higher revenues this quarter due to the new price range, Microsoft recently released a statement comparing its market share to that of the company's closest competitor, Apple.

"When demand for your product goes up you've got no other choice," Clarence Owen, a Vista user for seven years now, told the Associated Press via webcam from his home Thursday. "The higher prices will help the American economy."

Putin's designated successor in the lead

Moscow, Russia – Early returns show that Vladimir Putin's designated successor, Jared Fogle, has a lead in Sunday's presidential election.

With over 30 percent of votes counted, Russia's Central Election Commission said Fogle had won 71.34 percent of the vote.

Fogle, best known as "The Subway Guy," is a longtime friend of Putin.

"After losing 240 pounds on my Subway diet I feel like I can do anything," Fogle told the Associated Press in Moscow. "I am honored to follow the success of Vladimir's tenure."

Fogle said in a speech days before the election that Putin was an avid fan of the Subway diet.

Many Russians cited Putin's endorsement of Fogle along with a promotion for free subs created by local sandwich artists as more than enough reason to vote.

Little is known about Fogle's platform and how he plans to run the country while continuing his official job as a Subway spokesman on tour in the United States.

"Russia is a land of great-tasting opportunity and a fresh start. For a limited time I will provide free turkey subs at stations on the Moscow subway," Fogle said.

John McCain's Middle Name Inappropriate

John Sidney McCain, the full name of the senior Senator from Arizona, is considered off limits for media or political use during the 2008 presidential campaign.

Recently rival Barack Obama, a democratic candidate for president, accidentally slipped up and said McCain's full name during a San Fransisco rally, inciting gasps from the audience.

"Any comment disparaging of either Senator McCain or Governor Huckabee is completely inappropriate," he later told the media.

McCain's campaign thanked Obama for his abrupt apology last week, but how far is too far when it comes to McCain's middle?

The name, according to the left, conjures up images of Sydney, Australia, an un-American town by geographic standards.

Broadcasters try to avoid using McCain's middle name, especially while reporting on the rampant controversy, and only come off looking mildly foolish because of it.

"My name is my heritage," McCain told supporters after the California incident. "But I would prefer that no one thinks about it this election season."

After all, McCain was born in Central America, a long way from Australia.

Report: 99 out of every 100 U.S. adults free

Approximately 99 out of every 100 American adults are free for the first time in history according to a new report released by the Pew Center on the States.

The study showed that most Americans are living their lives any way they want to.

The steadily growing free population is "having an impact on the way America functions" and "providing for an economic future of further independence" the report said.

Michael Foster, urban directorial advisor for the Pew Center on the States, said that it was alarming that so many people were free at the same time.

"We need to put more Americans in prison where they are unable to participate in everyday life," he said in an interview. "A lower inmate population means that many states are having to hold bake sales to recoup losses in operating costs."

While the U.S. government is reportedly waiting for the record number of free Americans to decline, the average Joe is celebrating.

"I can't believe so many people aren't locked up anymore," Tessa Seymore, a paroled New York subway engineer said.

The report said the United States is the global leader in freedom, ranking ahead of nations Sri Lanka, Andorra and Crawford.

Man Found in Motel Room with Rice

Las Vegas, Nevada – Police who discovered a to-go box of Chinese rice in a Las Vegas, Nevada, hotel room also found Egg Foo Young and fortune cookies with ominous messages stuffed inside, officials said Friday.

Lab tests confirmed that the substance was Chinese rice, not Mexican. A man who had been living in the room has been hospitalized for more than a month due to the the toxic effects of the food additive Monosodium Glutamate, police said Friday.

The 23-year-old man, a Canadian, was enjoying his first vacation in the United States when he happened upon the contaminated food. Police have yet to say what messages were written in the fortune cookies found.

Authorities were unaware of the rice's existence until Thursday when a housekeeper was cleaning through the man's possessions when he found the substance. That man brought samples of the rice to police.

"The housekeeper felt that the police should inspect the rice for MSG," Las Vegas police officer Micky Martin said. "He brought it to our desk and asked us to try it out and see if we could taste anything funny."

Martin said that no one on the police force detected the taste of MSG, so a professional cuisine expert was brought in to determine the composition of the rice.

"This is an ongoing investigation," Martin said. "We don't know why anyone would do what this man did."

"Doomsday" Butter Vault Opens in Mexico

Mexico City, Mexico – A large underground vault storing different kinds of butter from across the planet began operation Tuesday.

The "Doomsday Vault of Butter" is located deep underneath a Mexico City sewer and contains hundreds of different butters and spreads. Apple butter and peanut butter are just two of the variations being stored.

The vault's butter comes from a variety of companies though most samples are supplied by Land O'Lakes and Associated Milk Producers.

Solar panels atop Mexico City's tallest building provide electricity for permanent refrigeration in case of disaster. The Mexican government, which paid for the project, said that the butter cave could withstand a nuclear blast.

A trust founded by the United Nations has spent the last three years working with Mexico to prepare for the butter vault.

"Foreigners will be crossing our border to get to our butter supply when the world ends," said Jeremy Dean, director of the trust.

The Mexican government said it spent $10 million Euros to construct the butter vault.

U.S. Sends Prince Harry back to Afghanistan

After being pulled out of deployment immediately Friday when news of his vacation went public, Prince Harry is back in business, the U.S. Department of Defense announced.

Upon being flown back to the UK a U.S. government official whisked him back onto a plane to return to the war torn country after facial reconstruction and surgery to disguise his identity among the troops.

The surgery was paid for by an anonymous donor according to a post on the British website that originally announced his presence in the Middle East.

Prince Harry issued a written statement to the public reading: "I was requested back in service and I know I will be missed....If you see a soldier in need, help him. It might very well be me."

Media coverage of his redeployment will be "unavailable" according to the Department of Defense.

HD-DVD wins format war

Sony has announced it will no longer market the Blu-Ray disc format, conceding the DVD format war to rival HD-DVD produced by Toshiba.

The announcement comes after a two-year battle between the incompatible next-generation formats. What changed? Movie studio Warner Brothers made a last minute decision to ditch Blu-Ray, creating a domino effect throughout the industry.

Six months ago Judith Mavern, a janitorial assistant, purchased a Blu-Ray player for her family's 66" plasma television. A player she bought for $700 at the time can't be given away now.

"I offered it to my neighbors who were kind of like, 'We don't want it. Burn it,'" she said.

Sony halted production of Blu-Ray units after coming to the conclusion that no one wanted them anymore.

"I plan to keep one in my basement," Sony's president stated in a press release earlier today. "One day it will be worth something."

Distraught owners are already placing their machines for sale on e-Bay, offering extra cash in the box to anyone who will take the failed format off their hands.

As of yet, the bid war, like the format war itself, is struggling to get off the ground.

Offbeat comedy wins best picture

LOS ANGELOS, California – The Oscar for best picture went to teen pregnancy comedy "Juno," besting three bloody thrillers Sunday night.

"Juno" star Ellen Page received an Oscar for best actress as the title role in the film at the 80th annual Academy Awards ceremony.

The other three acting awards went to Johnny Depp, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Cate Blanchett.

Tony Gilroy won the Oscar for Best Director and Pixar film "Ratatouille" took the award for best original screenplay.

"Thank you to all of the Michael Claytons out there who made this possible," Gilroy said after taking the directing award.